I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize