dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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