i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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