I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
