youre lurking in front of me
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
