my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
