i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
