her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Four minutes until I can fart!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
