Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize