i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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