I just saw a hot homeless man
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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