Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
