I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
