Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
