Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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