ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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