there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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