somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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