the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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