I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
