last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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