Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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