Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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