I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
