a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
