Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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