is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
