there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
