Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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