i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Fuck appropriateness.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I want a musical about memes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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