I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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