Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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