if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
