You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
