Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
