You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
