All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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