I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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