mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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