New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
