You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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