so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
