I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
