Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
