My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
