everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
