A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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