Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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