Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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