During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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