Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
