I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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