just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
