I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
