I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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