We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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