I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
