You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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